These ones are for me to sleep
when I can't simply rest in peace.
These ones help me to stay awake
when I find it hard to concentrate.
These ones give me what my body lacks
from food I eat to try and relax
These ones are for my stomach
and its constant, unending ache.
These ones are difficult to swallow,
but help when I'm scared of tomorrow.
These ones feel strange at the start,
but the feelings fade as I drift apart.
These ones ease the pain in my joints
caused by years of stupid exploits.
These ones balance me out inside,
because I'm told that I'm not quite right.
These ones keep my veins from closing
and help to stop my heart exploding.
These ones find the throbbing pain
that fills my skull almost every day.
These ones try to keep me focused
instead of feeling panicked and hopeless.
These are ones I got prescribed yesterday
to fix all the problems the others create.
My lover is younger than me, which means his eyes are more kind than mine.
He doesn’t worry about things like credit scores or past due bills, or turning 30.
He has a soul like summer and when we lay together and our foreheads touch, skin to skin,
he says he can feel a buzz, a body high. We’re electric.
On weekdays at 5 AM, there’s a soft fog on his bedroom window
and sometimes I pull back the curtain and look out at the green expanse of land
and the silos along the road.
I’m a city girl, but those mornings
when he pulls me back against him and leaves a series of sloppy kisses along my spine,
I think I could stay here, in the dense dew and wildflower.
My friend’s say I make everything too easy for him, but I like to be that way--
I’m proud to be what is easy for him, what he knows,
what he touches.
Left to my own devices, it’s easy for me to get lost
inside my head.
He pulls me out from under the weight of worry.
He puts me inside of my body, and I’m present, and I’m his.
We are a simple equation among complicated things.
I have been scared for so long, and it’s been so exhausting.
I trust him fearlessly because it makes sense.
I love him without worrying about what that word means.
Everything is real, everything is in color,
sparking like live wire. We’re electric.
The night you left
I held my tongue in superstition,
thinking maybe it was meant to be.
(Or maybe hoping that
you'd find the fault in leaving me.)
The next day
I got the good news,
and I rushed home to tell you.
"MAILER-DAEMON and I'm sorry
but you've made your choice."
So now instead
of not knowing what to say,
I have no voice.
Current Music: "Symmetry" - Mew
I once lived in an illusion
Where I thought solitude was the only comfort
That my hardened soul can afford.
The music plays quietly...
It was not that I feared rejection
Nor I wished for anyone's affection;
I celebrated being on my own
And as I clasp my hands, the music continues con dolore
For the longest time, I have been deaf
A cruel fate to my heart's silent whispers of hope
That one day it can find a home in someone's arms.
Sempre staccato... I separate myself.
It was you who heard those whispers
Hushing my fears, breaking down the barriers
Prima volta... It felt like I was reborn
Into a world that you decorated with the music of your laughter.
I learned to smile not inspite of myself, but because of you
Swiftly, you stole my attention, my interest, my heart.
All my thoughts dance in rapidly driven strokes
The sounds within me are ascending, moving higher... closer to you.
I will never surrender the intensity of this moment to my memories.
Poco a poco, we carve our story in the face of history.
And your hands are the map which I long to explore...
Give me a thousand lifetimes to look at you once more.
Mar. 15th, 2016 @ 09:20 pm
her eyes permeating
their weight embracing her soul
stoical silences intermittently
lifting her eyes
but not her heart
life's final days
felt from afar
reality drops through the floor
the call came
(I was trying to find words to the emotions I was feeling in the week after my Grandma had a stroke, knowing it was a matter of days before she'd pass. My mom called part way though writing to say that she'd stopped breathing, and they'd waited to be sure, but were now sure.)
I cracked my ribs when I fell at your house.
I didn’t feel it at the time.
I was just happy to be there, lying on your kitchen floor.
Just passing through but
I wanted to stay.
The blood vessels in my hand snapped open,
swelling up a fresh wound.
I’ve been watching the brown-blue spread
like an infection.
My body attacks itself.
Years of blank burning swims up to the shoreline and shows me that Ultraviolence.
The body puts the soul inside the frame.
How poorly my heart has aged; I’ve spent too much time
close to the sun.
I am here to breathe and let my body blemish.
The desire to desire you has long passed.
The object of you
proved faulty and worse for the wear.
Sometimes, dogs will wait years for their dead owners to come home.
Deep breath. One, two, on my knees, deep breath out.
I’m standing up now, off that floor.
No, that was the finale.
We have to leave now if we want to beat traffic.
There aren’t going to be any more fireworks.
Look, see? There’s not even smoke in the sky anymore.
(I haven't written a poem in months, so be gentle, please? lol but I really would appreciate any feedback)
Mar. 5th, 2016 @ 10:27 am
This is the new romance.
First night fucks without kisses
Online shopping for partners
When you pair off
Then square off
The phone calls are in code
I love you now means
Let me go. Bye is a long vowel exhale
Of relief or dry grief
They both taste like warm
So I French kissed your husband
As my fever broke through
Scirracha and vodka and heat
From my truck's vents all bent
I want to feel more than this
Baseball toss between
Numb and Necrotic
And eyes Ive known for
Nineteen years don't let me lie
I saw you hold her hand
Long after we'd outgrown
The gold bands and the plans
And i thought about the Our Father
The Peace be with You when the
Hands of strangers clasp, and again
Shake their Seatmates palms and
Wish them peace
I thought of children two by two
Mittens clasped. Don't let go
Of your field trip buddy
Stick close, hold his hand, you stay safe.
And that was a razor wafer feel
Disolving in sulfuric throat
Back of my tongue
When we stopped kissing
When we stopped fucking
When we stopped touching
You said no divorce
But there was the last wedding
We went to. I dressed in fishnets
And a 60s minidress and gogo boots
Reached for your hand. I felt you drop
Mine. It feels weird you said.
So i got drunk.
And as we ended
And filed the papers
Dissolved two decades
With a Wednesday afternoon
Just a month later. I felt my
Heart scaled see you holding
Hands with her walking my dog.
Instead how come you couldn't
Fuck her in our bed while
We were married, or messy kiss
In front of me not meet each others eyes
It was the hand hold. My peace i give
And cross the streets safely a pair
I die, you live. So if my good friend
Is suspecting his new ex of playing round
Then think of flirting or think of fucking
But not the hope and whole world held
In human hands.
If you could purr, you would
when I run my fingers through your hair, scratch lightly at the scalp and smooth out your curls slowly between my manicure.
I’m learning all these things about your body.
About your home, about farming and crops that expand like pregnant bellies. I drive these roads at the end of daylight.
I look out your icy window into the black fields before I fall asleep; I look up at the hay tower like I should be saying a prayer.
Love tried to kill me once. It dug it’s claws into my stomach
and it ripped, ripped, ripped, ripped, tugging slow at my insides, the jaws of a pitbull
I remember the night I felt my heart break in half. My Aunt Kathy had to give me a sleeping pill—I was crying so hard she couldn’t sleep.
It was so unbearable; that constant throbbing inside my chest where my heart had been, like a dry socket in my organs, on fire with the misery of loss.
But, I think I love you.
And that doesn’t scare me. Not anymore.
Feb. 19th, 2016 @ 03:17 am
my voice will always strain
when i try to hit the high notes
my arms won't want to let him go
as he waits to push me away
this song has been on repeat
on and off for months now
i don't really like the taste
but i love the relief it gives
i spend money to feel important
hardly ever throw myself towards the light
wrap his long hair in my palm
as it falls onto my face
awkward promises came up
i don't like to disappoint
asking me questions i don't want to answer
so i lie and hope he's satisfied
my voice will always strain
Current Music: grimes- outer
I've known you for so long.
So long I can't even remember, and yet,
You were always no one.
As random as suggestion, and yet,
Carefully formed and placed by fate.
Placed so near.
So near I could actually feel you beside me, and yet,
Just out of reach.
My arms stretched towards you, shaking and bleeding, trying to get a grasp of you.
I am exhausted.
My arms, older, sinewy and weak.
My eyes are closing as I travel somewhere else where there is no you.
No vagaries, no choice, no suggestion. Just birds flown backwards.
Fate chose to send you, to walk me through fire, to blind me while who knows how many happy lives have passed by.
In my far away land your absence is bittersweet.
For I don't know a world without you and the pain you bring, a world where having you isn't the ultimate goal, and yet,
I know only to refuse to explore it.
So I open my eyes and soul to the wounds of believing that if I'd stretch my fingers a little more, I could have you,
And yet, you can tear my arm from it's place and never be mine.